Okay. I’ve been trying to overcome quite a lot of things emotionally these days, but I don’t know if I can take it anymore. I feel like I’m about to explode. I need advices. I need to hit a forget button. I need to steal a TARDIS and run away, cause it would be so easier than facing my feelings. If I had the chance to become the Doctor and ran away, even though I’d never get to see anyone that was once part of my life again, I would do it right now. Without having second thoughts about it.

I would really appreciate if I get some advice, because I feel like I am overwhelming my friend and I don’t want her to listen to my problems once again. The same old problem, the same old reaction. So I’m gonna tell the whole story here, since the dawn of the beginning.

A two years and six months ago, I watched Sherlock and was looking for someone to watch it too. There was this boy - friend of a friend - who was talking about this show called Doctor Who. We made a deal– he’d watch Sherlock and I’d watch DW. Thing is, I didn’t plan to actually watch it. He started his part of the deal and we started talking more, finally I had someone to freak out with. Months passed,  he finished the second season and I haven’t started Doctor Who, because it didn’t seem nice when he told me what was it about. But after weeks of insistance, I watched it. 

Then I kept watching and commenting every single episode with him. We became friends and were now trying to convince our friends to watch it, since we were the only whovians we knew. We talked constantly and my best friends started to say we formed a nice couple, all those things friends do. I used to like a boy from my class and totally disagreed with them.

Thing is, I did started to like him. It happened last year, when I realised that it wasn’t just something silly. I liked him a lot. And my friends also spoke to him and said he liked me too. So we spent months knowing we liked each other, but we were both too shy to take the first step. Still are, in fact. 

There was a party we went, and he gave me some roses. We went outside and spent some time sat close, my head leaned on his chest, and he put his suit over my shoulders cause it was cold that night.

When The Rings of Akhaten came out, the whole story of Clara’s parents and the leaf thing, we were discussing the episode (now more people were watching the show) and he picked up a leaf that was just like the episode one. He gave it to me saying “This is the most important leaf in human history.” And I kept that leaf. Until this year, when I opened my old ‘sort of’ diary (called Jarvis, btw). It was there. 

Nothing had happened yet, and I got mad. One day, when he asked me to lend A Song of Ice and Fire’s second book, under the conditions I was saying right before handing the book to him, I said: “I am only landing it to you if I get a kiss first.” And he kissed me.

And we got in a sort of relationship. I had sent him a letter where I said about our leaf, and the meaning we knew it was behind it. I said I wanted him to be my Doctor. He answered it with another letter, but we never said a word about our situation.

Things remained the same, cause we already saw each other every day and were very close. I wanted more, a real boyfriend, and he didn’t do anything. I got stressed and stopped talking to him for a couple of weeks.

When he got in touch again, everything was just the same, like nothing had ever happened before. Months passed and the realisation that I still liked him grew stronger. I was in love with him. I am in love with him. But I don’t know if he still likes me or not. He talked normally, my friends tried to come up with the subject that he should talk to me about what he felt and he just simply refused to answer them.

Now recently a friend said to him on whatapp that I was in love with him and he should do something about it. I didn’t know he did that, but I do noticed he started to act strange. I’m not sure if this is something of my head or not. But he got distant. Didn’t talk to me as much as he used to. Between classes and during the break he simply vanished, and we and another friend of mine always spent the break together. 

Now during the exams week, he does the test and goes homes. Doesn’t stay to talk and enjoy the free time we have in the morning like always. He freaked out a little bit when Listen came out, but that was all. 

Now I sent him a message and he doesn’t answer. While in the group where we both are (on whatsapp) he answer other people. I was plannig to say to him what I feel and ask if I can move on or if he still likes me, but it just feels like he is avoiding me.

I don’t know what to do. I am horrible with this.

I hate feelings.

I hate emotions.

They’re only nice when it applies to fiction.

My life and feelings doesn’t match.

I am in tears right now and I’ve never cried for anyone in this situation in my life. I’m scared and nervous and I can’t study, even though I must. 

I’m tired to pretend like everything is okay when simply it is not.

No idea if someone understand this. 

I just want to run away. I’m not that kind of person that would kill itself because of that, no, I’m too selfish for that.

But I’m the kind of person who gets upset and repels every single person around. I lock myself inside my own world and I don’t want to get out.

I have no idea of what kind of help I’m in need, but I want it to stop. 

So bad. Just… stop it.